You Alone Can Become Yourself

...and you cannot become yourself alone. - Rev. J. Pittman McGehee

As I write this, I’m by myself on a Friday evening in Tom Wahl’s, a mid-scale area burger joint that does an excellent fish fry. I’m not Roman Catholic. I don’t particularly need to uphold a tradition originally created to bolster the Italian fishing trade. Yet it’s Friday and here I am.

(I’ve met the long-retired Tom Wahl a few times. He once told me he loved the church I pastored “because you feed all comers, no questions asked.” That felt like deep-fried, soul-drenched high praise, coming from a man who built a small-town drive-in into a regional burgers-and-fishes behemoth.)

I dislike eating alone in public, but, nonetheless, I am sitting solo in a booth built for four. It felt like an authentic way to write about what Henri Nouwen called the conversion from loneliness to solitude.

Let’s meander.

This is pregnant Prudence, the two-year-old golden doodle over whom Soulmate has guardianship.

Pru, three days ago, pondering all these things in her heart.

Her wonderfully responsible breeder (Toodles Doodles) put her in our hands to raise beside my boon companion, neutered Irish doodle Charley Pippin.

I am aware that you can’t get pregnant alone, though this came close, as her equally inexperienced intended - a chocolate doodle, if you can imagine - took no interest in our girl, so a professional dog inseminator was called in.

Life has its vocational cul-de-sacs.

Pru isn’t showing many physical signs at this early point, but her behavior is a huge tell. She sticks tight to our sides on our walks. She tires easily. She seems to be eating for five. She continues to weasel her way between any two sentient beings showing affection toward each other, but she is now just as likely to slip off to some far nook of the house or yard and sit curled up, staring over her paws, lost in her own thoughts.

Aside from prepping meals and opening the vitamin bottle, the work of gestation and birth is all hers from here. She knows it.

The human work of individuation is similar.

We are, all of us, human becomings. And we cannot, any of us, fully grasp what is gestating within. Those with the most intentional support will usually have the most success nurturing and birthing their better natures. Still, most of the work will be their own.

The Labyrinth at Kanuga, where many Haden Institute students journey within.

Personal depth work can be isolating. You examine dark passages of past experience; turn unexpected corners; open creepy doors; dig to the deeply buried roots of your own traits and tendencies. You come to know things about yourself most people would rather not encounter. And yet, ironically, they will come to relate to you better as a result of your personal work.

I’m Never More Than By Myself

By myself. What a curious turn of phrase. Literally, it suggests we are never closer than adjacent to self, even when we are alone — like I can get next to me, but can never fully unify as one.

That makes more sense than linguistically intended, I suspect. Can I ever pull together ALL my disparate pieces?

Nope. I’m too complicated and inter-connected.

But the goal of self-actualization is not perfection, but acceptance. And once we accept ourselves, growth and change flourish. We can see our triggers coming. We head off reactionary tendencies. We become a self-regulated, non-anxious presence that helps others to catch their breath, calm down and consider. This is attractive, and it can shift the vibe in a room just by your walking into it.

At Haden we train soul companions and Jungian dream workers by first helping them do their own internal work. This self-actualization is not a destination, but a lifelong effort. Those who are actively doing their own personal work are far better equipped to guide others into theirs. I do it by myself. You do it by yourself. We do it by ourselves together.

It is when we recognize that we are all alone together that loneliness becomes solitude - from the Latin solus - only, and tudo - state of being… literally a state of only-ness.

Your onlyness is the place where, as Buechner said of vocation, your deep longing meets the world’s deep need. It suggests a calling that is yours alone to answer, filled with personal meaning and worthy challenge. It is often confirmed in the eyes and hearts of others, but the whispering comes from within.

You alone can find your onlyness, and you cannot find your onlyness alone.

Questions for the comment section:

Are you already aware of a gift that is yours to give the world?

If so, who and what have helped you nurture and birth it?

I am a pastured pastor and current Executive Director of The Haden Institute, which trains individuals in spiritual direction and Jungian dream work. I am also a practicing spiritual director/soul companion who helps individuals and groups discover their deeper Selves toward healing, inspiration and a fuller life. I particularly enjoy helping people unpack and find profound meaning in their night-time dreams. I am also available to listen and speak with groups from pulpit, folding chair or Zoom square. Contact me if you’re intrigued.